Letting Go

 

Falling in love in a small town and every distant memory holds a place in your heart like all the bars you drunkenly stumbled out of together or the highway you traveled and took every wrong turn because you don’t follow directions from nobody.  It’s true the little things matter the most and you miss those moments when you’re woken up in the middle of the night to get a glass of milk or the mornings you’re told 5 more minutes and held closer. I can’t bear to even look at my passenger seat because it’s empty and you aren’t there to hold my hand. I keep asking myself “Why did you need to leave without saying ‘goodbye’? Not even a simple ‘I’ll see you soon’ to the person who was always in your corner, your number 1 fan, and loved you exactly for who you are. Instead you left in the middle of the night to never return back home and to never look into the tear-filled eyes you left behind.

I tried my best to salvage a relationship but communicating turned to frustration which led to routine arguments. There was no more active listening but one word responses, empty promises, and lost hope. The constant reassurance I fought for because I didn’t feel enough or worthy of the love I thought I deserved. I was grasping at any seam to hold on and be noticed but I’m not as young as I used to be and the wildly attractive 22 year olds seemed to gain all the attention. I’m guessing he didn’t get the memo from T. Swift that no one likes you when you’re 22 but I’ll give you hint it’s because they’re unreliable, irresponsible, and tad bit pathetic. (I can say these things because I’m past this age and if you’re offended by this it means you’re at that age and don’t realize what I’m talking about yet).  It didn’t matter what I did, he didn’t notice what he was doing to me both physically and mentally, but everyone saw the designer bags under my eyes, the painted on smile, and how thin I started to appear. Even with the drastic change I was going through I still strived to be my best and show unconditional love and affection.

Days went to weeks and eventually to months he was still gone and I’m still here going through the motions always longing for something more. Exhaustion set in and every time I was ready to walk away he pulled me back just enough to keep me going. I made excuses after excuses and justified his actions and repeated in my head that’ll it get better, we’ll be better, and he’ll be better. Nothing changed and each day was on repeat with the same empty conversations, lack of emotion, and the obvious that I just couldn’t accept. I started to think… How did I become this weak?  Why am I questioning my self-worth? Where did I go wrong? This man was unwilling to recognize the woman he had and highlighted her flaws rather than seeing all the reasons why she stayed. In that moment, tears streaming down my face I finally took my last emotional hit. I wiped those tears and took a long breath, I may not be perfect but this is not entirely my fault and need to come to peace of letting go.

He robbed everything that made me…me and ran away with my heart. It put me in a place where I just disappeared and lost myself in a person who frankly didn’t care maybe at one time he did but not anymore. I wished I never surrendered my dignity and would have tried sooner to get away and escape the pain I was causing but my legs were faulty. I was running in place and digging myself too deep because I was unwilling to let go of the heavy burden I had chosen to carry. I choose to see the potential in a broken man who was not ready to give himself or the love that was deserving to others because he has yet to love himself.  The mind games that were played became too much and I’m not above giving love but I just ran out like pixie dust. Ultimately, I was so afraid of waking up alone in this world and losing him but realized I can’t lose someone that I never had. Relationships are not a glass half full kinda deal but overflowing with love, commitment, and value. Once someone starts pouring out the glass as you’re trying to add more, it becomes unproductive and a waste of water.

It’s crazy to think how railroad tracks are continuous and connected throughout the country all leading to different routes but have the capability of ending at the same place. Maybe there’ll be a day when are tracks collide once more and we’ll see where our travels take us. For now this isn’t me giving up on him but letting go, so he can find his own way. I wanted keep him around and hold me forever but the wait was too long and he is just another writing on my bedroom wall. 

 

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